Facing my own mortality

Its funny, in school I remember learning about invincibility that kids face. They do things without really thinking about the consequences because in their mind they can not get hurt or killed. Its something you are suppose to grow out of.



Some kids are absolutely fearless, they can do things and not give a second thought about what might happen. I was a little different growing up, I thought to much about consequences which has held me back on a couple of adventures.



Death is something we all think about. I have thought about it a lot lately. Not really that I was afraid I would die but more just thinking about what happens after you die. I know I will die but for some reason most of the time I have this invincibility complex that allows me to think that I will be fine. This complex keeps me from the Doctors for the most part.



Two years ago I had a physical so I could drive a school bus. In that physical they were checking for drugs in the system, but the strip they used also detected other things. The thing it detected was a little bit of blood in the urine. I was concerned but really didn't think to much of the situation and allowed my life to go on as planned.



Last Monday I had a problem with my throat and scheduled to see a Doctor but decided to make it a physical instead of an appointment. I told him about what went on 2 years ago, so he decided to check it out again along with some blood test. That Thursday the results came back with the same message, there was still blood in the urine. It suggested I go to a urologist for further testing. This was a scary situation, I really started to think about life. I thought something was really wrong for this "suggestion" to be in place.



My wife and I talked for the first time about death together. We talked about what we will do, what she should do. (I know that I had not had test and I was over thinking the situation but again the post is called Facing my own Mortality) We talked about my life and my calling!!! It was a scary conversation, I didn't sleep well. It was premature thought but since it was to late to contact any Doctors office there was no real easing of emotion.



The next day I scheduled an appointment with the urologist. (They said are you available for Tuesday, my response um...how about today) The urologist told me that in most cases, because of my age, there was nothing wrong, BUT there have been people tested positive for cancer in my age group, even though that result was small. He told me he wanted to do a procedure and a CT Scan. He told me I could do them next week, I decided to do the procedure that day.



I tried calling my wife and then my mother but could not get a hold of anyone. So I had the procedure done without anyone in the family knowing about it. It was the loneliness I have felt in a while. So the procedure was done (I will spare you details) and they found nothing in the bladder.



Tuesday I did the CT Scan and got the results yesterday. Nothing was in the kidneys...so I am good. No further testing is needed.



The whole experience, even though some might say I overreacted, brought me to realize my own mortality. The truth is we don't really know how long we are a part of this world. I have been reading about Saddleback's One Month to Live Series (I would be interested in seeing how it was done) and really tried to put that in perspective. What have I done with my life? What have I done for my family? For God? For Friends?



Those days of thinking about what could be happening, really allowed me to enjoy Malachi and Elizabeth a little more. It helped me appreciate my parents and siblings a little more. After this experience it makes me want to really make a difference, to be more involved in my calling, in what God has designed me for.